Recharge Your Love Life
Synchronize your sex drives in three easy steps
By
Denise Mann
WebMD Feature
Reviewed By
Amal Chakraburtty, MD
He's feeling amorous. But after a day of work, chauffeuring the kids,
cooking, and doing the laundry, you are way too tired to even think about sex.
Four days later, you are rested and in the mood - but he's so stressed about
the plummeting stock market, he just wants to grab a beer and go to sleep.
You used to be so sexually compatible. Is the honeymoon really, finally,
over?
Relax. Relationship experts say your problem is just a simple case of
"desire discrepancy." It's common - but if ignored, it can wreak havoc
on your love life.
"Desire discrepancy," says psychoanalyst Gail Saltz, MD, "is probably the
most frequent complaint that you hear and it goes both ways. Saltz is an
associate professor of psychiatry at the New York Presbyterian Hospital
Weill-Cornell School of Medicine in New York City and the author of several
books including a new one on women and sexuality. "More often, the man wants
more sex than the woman. But sometimes, it's the other way around, and women
may feel embarrassed about it."
Los Angeles based sex therapist Ava Cadell, PhD, EdD, agrees. "Mismatched
sex drive is the number one problem that I see couples for," says Cadell, the
author of a number of books including 12 Steps to Everlasting Love.
The good news: There is something you can do! Indeed, you and your partner
can take steps to re-sync your sex drives, restore sexual compatibility, and
rev up your libido. With a few steps, you can get your relationship back to
where it used to be.
And doing so can be as easy as 1 (analyze), 2 (compromise), and 3
(energize)!
Step 1: Analyze your love life
The first step to restoring sexual compatibility is to figure out what's
going on - or not going on - in the bedroom and why.
Experts recommend delving into your love life to see if there is a reason
one of you doesn't feel like making love. "Is it hormonal? Is it stress?" asks
Cadell. "Is it because you are really angry with your partner and don't want to
make love?" Resentment, she says, is the number one reason that sex drives in
relationships get off kilter. But in the long run, you are much better off
telling your partner why you are angry rather than putting him off in the
bedroom. "Communication," Cadell says, "is the key."
But resentment is not the only reason that your sex life may be taking a
dive, says Saltz. If you used to really enjoy making love but now it's the last
thing on your mind, you need to rule out medications and/or medical conditions
that could be causing the change. See your doctor, Saltz recommends, for an
exam and any tests she thinks necessary to make sure all systems are go. If it
turns out there is a problem, then getting treatment can easily put the sizzle
back in your love life.
Step 2: Compromise for sexual compatibility
The next step is to recognize that sometimes partners have to meet each
other halfway - even in the bedroom.
"You have to acknowledge there is a sexual compatibility issue in your
relationship and one or both of you may have to compromise," Saltz says.
But that should not require either partner to be demanding, says Cadell. And
neither partner should feel the other is being "greedy."
Even if you are not in the mood, give it a whirl, says Saltz. "Usually after
you get started, you can become aroused." Compromise is not difficult, she
says, if each partner is willing to do a little more to please the other.
"I think it's the one with the lesser interest in sex who has the
responsibility to satisfy the one with the greater interest," says Pepper
Schwartz, PhD. Schwartz is a professor of sociology at the University of
Washington in Seattle. He is also the author of several books including
Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years.
Step 3: Energize your love life
For many couples, the final step in synchronizing sexual compatibility is to
go back to the way things were when you were newly in love. One great way to do
that, say experts, is to "date your mate," putting aside a special time of the
week - or month - when sex becomes your top priority. You might even take turns
initiating or deciding what to do; that way if she wants a bubble bath and
massage while he wants rough and tumble sex, both get their needs met.
And, experts say, don't be shy about telling your partner other ways they
can turn you on if, for some reason, intercourse is not an option. "Asking your
partner to pleasure you as a replacement for intercourse is OK from time to
time," says Saltz.
Moreover, experts say that "shaking things up a bit" - making love in
unusual places or at different times of day - can also help energize your love
life. "Changing it up by doing it someplace new makes it more exciting and
stirs sex drive in the partner whose libido may be lacking," Saltz says. This
is a win-win, she says. "For the person who wants more sex, doing something new
is exciting and satiating."
Schwartz agrees: "Sometimes couples with desire discrepancy just need more
excitement."
SOURCES: Ava Cadell, PhD, EdD, sex therapist, Los Angeles; founder of
Loveology University; author of 12 Steps to Everlasting Love. Gail
Saltz, MD, associate professor of psychiatry, New York Presbyterian Hospital
Weill-Cornell School of Medicine , New York City. Pepper Schwartz, PhD,
professor of sociology , University of Washington, Seattle; author Prime:
Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years.
© 2008 WebMD Inc. All rights reserved.
Last Editorial Review: 1/31/2008
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