Feature Archive

Sex Matters®: Start Me Up

Scheduling sex -- and other ways to rev up out-of-sync drives.

WebMD Feature

By Louanne Cole Weston, PhD

Reviewed by
Brunilda Nazario, MD

Q: My husband and I have a discrepancy in desire. How do we make it match?

A: Many people wait a long time before they try to do anything about sexual-frequency discrepancies -- sometimes 15 or more years.

When this happens, couples settle into a pattern-they get used to turning in each night and staying on their own sides of the bed. How do you overcome this pattern? Here are some ideas:

Scheduling
One prime issue is scheduling. Some people find that if they routinely schedule time together during which sex is a possibility (but not a requirement), they realize what they are missing and get back into it. It may sound too easy, but for some couples this is the answer.

Initiation
Other people have a difficult time getting things started. They feel anxiety when they go from a nonsexual state to a sexual one. Once they do, they're fine and they wonder, "Why was this so difficult? Why don't we do this more often?"

If that's the problem, then take a look at how the sex you do have gets started. Is it always predictable? Does the same person always initiate it?