How Couples Can Communicate Their Needs and Become More Sexually Adventurous
By Ava Cadell
Sexual health expert Dr. Ava Cadell gives advice on how improving communication can potentially spice up your sex life.
Event Date: 06/02/2000.
The opinions expressed by Dr. Cadell are hers and hers alone. If you have questions about your health, you should consult your personal physician. This event is meant for informational purposes only.
Moderator: Welcome to WebMD Live's Sexual Health Auditorium. Today we are discussing "How Couples Can Communicate Their Needs and Become More Sexually Adventurous," with Ava Cadell, PhD.
Born Ildiko Csath in Budapest during the Hungarian revolution, Ava Cadell's life reads like a novel: Raised by nuns until she was found by her grandmother and brought to England, she became a Covergirl model by the age of 21. After gaining fame in Europe, Dr. Cadell relocated to Los Angeles, where she became a Playboy spokesperson and enjoyed a successful film career. Dr. Cadell earned two doctoral degrees, one in human behavior, the other in human sexuality, and has been dubbed "one of America's leading 'Sexologists'" by Cosmopolitan magazine. A highly sought-after speaker, Dr. Cadell has appeared on national and syndicated shows such as "Extra," "The Leeza Show," "Eyewitness News," "American Journal," "Hard Copy," and "The Howard Stern Show."
Dr. Cadell, welcome back to WebMD Live.
Dr. Cadell: I have my own radio show every Sunday in Los Angeles on 97.1 FM from 10 to 11 pm where people can call in and answer questions about love, relationships, and sex, and I answer those on the radio.
Moderator: How was the Howard Stern show?
Dr. Cadell: Interesting. He was fine. I was ready for him.
Moderator: What is the best way to get your lover to do what you want him or her to do in the bed?
Dr. Cadell: I recommend that couples exchange a wish list of three things that they think will heighten a sexual experience for them. I recommend this at least once a month. "I wish you would give me a sensual massage. I wish I could have my orgasms first. I wish we could have more foreplay."
Moderator: And if the partner is not interested in the wish list?
Dr. Cadell: You exchange wishes. We all have wishes that we do not articulate to our partners. Consequently, most people are dissatisfied with their sex lives. By exchanging a wish list, you can both get your needs met and improve your erotic communication. It's extremely successful. On the first of every month, my husband I exchange our wish lists and we look forward to it. Sometimes it's as simple as, "I wish we could take a bubble bath together and stay home tonight."
Moderator: How do you communicate when your lover is doing something you don't like?
Dr. Cadell: You need to compliment your love first about something you do like. For example, "I had a wonderful orgasm." Then you need to bring up what you didn't like or what you want to change such as, "The next time we make love, I would like to make love in a different position for a change." Then you need to motivate your partner by saying something like, "It would really excite me to watch you enter me from behind. I could watch you in a full length mirror and see you make love to me in that position. And it turns me on just to think about it." I guarantee your lover is going to change positions in order to make love. It's all in presentation. Everything is in how you say it.
Moderator: So communication is key?
Dr. Cadell: Always.
gr_paula_WebMD: What are the most common obstacles people have with sex and their partners? I know this is a general question but I am just curious?
Dr. Cadell: The first obstacle is inhibitions, because everybody is inhibited about something. The second obstacle is lack of communication because most people expect their partners to be able to read their minds and it's not going to happen.
gr_paula_WebMD: How can I help my partner overcome her inhibitions?
Dr. Cadell: By talking about them openly and honestly, and being sympathetic and concerned and listening to why the person is inhibited and what caused the inhibition. Then ask, "What can I do to make you feel good? What can I do to be a better lover?" Always ask what you can do. That way you take the pressure off your partner.
Moderator: And if that doesn't work? When is it time to move on to a new partner?