Positive Parenting with John Gray
By John Gray
WebMD Live Events Transcript
Dr. John Gray, author of 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,' discusses positive techniques for parenting.
Event Date: 05/30/2000.
The opinions expressed herein are the guests' alone and have not been
reviewed by a WebMD physician. If you have questions about your health, you
should consult your personal physician. This event is meant for informational
purposes only.
Moderator: Welcome to WebMD Live's Family Wellness
Auditorium. Today we are discussing Positive Parenting with John Gray, PhD.
John Gray has been a family counselor for more than 30
years. He became one of the best-selling authors of the decade with his
publication of Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, which enlivened
communication between the sexes. In the past ten years, Gray has continued to
supply the public with other bestsellers including, Mars and Venus in the
Bedroom, Mars and Venus in Love, Mars and Venus on a Date, Mars
and Venus Starting Over, and Children Are From Heaven. A highly
sought after speaker, Gray is a popular guest on the "Oprah Winfrey
Show" and a national columnist.
The opinions given by Dr.
Gray are his and his alone. If you have specific questions or are concerned
about your health, please consult your personal physician. This event is for
informational purposes only.
Dr. Gray, welcome to WebMD Live. How can you learn to manage
your feelings?
Dr. Gray: Much of our frustration as parents comes from not
knowing what to do to manage our children. We're at a crisis point in history.
All of the old parenting skills we learned by watching our parents parent are
not as effective as they used to be. Children today are different, and do not
respond to guilt trips, yelling, and the threat of punishment. These are the
kinds of control techniques our parents used as a last resort. In previous
generations, they worked, but today they don't. This book, Children Are From
Heaven, provides a training for parents with new communication skills to
make the job of parenting much easier and, at least, much less frustrating.
Frustration always arises when what we're doing is not working. If we don't have
a knowledge of new skills, then unfortunately, we have no choice but to continue
doing what doesn't work. Fortunately, that choice is now available through
learning new parenting skills.
Moderator: What parenting skills have become outdated?
Dr. Gray: The whole necessity of using guilt and fear to
control children is not only unnecessary now, but, when you learn to address
your children's needs and communicate in a way that invites participation, and
maintain the authority that you're the parent who's in control, then your
children will cooperate without having to threaten them with punishment or make
comments that make them feel bad or guilty. There's no longer any need to
withdraw love and support in order to motivate your children to cooperate.
Instead, this very love and support that was pulled away can be directly applied
to creating more cooperation. In the past, parents who spanked their kids or used
threats of punishment to control were coming from a loving place, but what child
feels love when you do that? In my book, I teach parents five messages to
communicate to their children, and five practical techniques to do that.
The five positive messages are:
One: It's okay to be
different. To communicate this message, parents need to understand the four
different temperaments of children, the three different learning curves
children go through, and the eight different types of intelligence that children
have in different degrees. They need to understand three different body types
children have. With an understanding of these natural differences, parents are
able to adjust their parenting skills, as well as expectations, to appropriately
meet this child's needs. When a child is different from the parent, without an
understanding of the appropriateness, a parent mistakenly judges and puts down
the child.
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