Teens - Ask a Therapist: Talking to your Teen (cont.)

esxonlegs asks: How do I help my adoptive daughter to feel wanted by her birth mother?

Richard Kneip, PhD: As noble as your intentions are, there may be very little that you can do to resolve your daughters possible feelings of rejection and questions that she may have about her biological mother. As you know as an adoptive parent, these feelings are very common among adoptive children and the best thing that you can do is to foster a loving, close relationship with her. Her questions regarding her birth mother may never be fully resolved for her but a close relationship with you will be critical to her maturation and transition into adulthood.

spoon_man_1999 asks: How do you bring up the subject of masturbation to your teen?

Richard Kneip, PhD: My first question would be why you might feel it is necessary to bring it up. We know that masturbation is a natural and expected behavior in the pubescent adolescent. However, if masturbation is prohibited for religious purposes than the discussion would be introduced as part of a general discussion on the religious prohibitions and foundation and reasons for this. After that, it will be up to the teenager to follow the religious teachings.

detective_sg asks: How can my teen be more popular?

Richard Kneip, PhD: We know that adolescence is a time when teenagers become extremely sensitive to acceptance by their peer group. Teenagers who feel "unpopular" may feel rejected by their peers and suffer lowered self-esteem and diminished self-confidence. However, everybody can't be popular, and therefore, it is important that parents support and nurture their teenager's strengths and talents, and appreciate their uniqueness in a loving and supportive home environment. It is also important to afford the teenager ample opportunity to participate with their peer group, popular or otherwise, in activities that allow them to express and develop their individuality. I suggest you check out the article "Middle School Malaise" at www.planetpsych.com. Although, it does not address popularity specifically, it is a thought provoking overview of some of the social and academic challenges faced by teenagers in the school environment.

ride1wheel asks: Do you have any advice for a high school teacher with teens who aren't motivated to do assignments?

Richard Kneip, PhD: While I am not trained as a school psychologist, I do find in my work as a therapist that teenage lack of motivation and academic underachievement often reflect a lack of support in the home. Many times, these children may have parents who do not value education, or sometimes they are living in a divorce situation spending half time at each parents home, making it difficult for parents to coordinate and supervise their schoolwork. If your district has a school psychologist, I would suggest you meet with him or her to discuss possible motivational and educational strategies to increase student involvement.

dacook_65 asks: Why do my kids feel they need to have the last word in for every discussion?

Richard Kneip, PhD: They feel they have to have the last word in because they are kids. Although it is difficult, it is our job as parents to accept that kids will express their anger and frustration in all sorts of disguised ways, and it is important for us to stay focused on the message and to not get too caught up in the way it is delivered. You will find a lot of informative tips on parenting and maintaining positive relationships with teenagers at www.planetpsych.com.

shotrain asks: How do I face my teen when they come to me with an unexpected pregnancy?

Richard Kneip, PhD: First of all, it will be important for you to acknowledge to yourself and to your child how scared they must be and how difficult it must have been for them to give you this information. It suggests to me a trusting relationship already exists between the two of you. Because of the life-changing implications of teenage pregnancy, I would recommend that you enter some kind of intensive counseling or therapy immediately to provide a forum where all of the decisions and plans can be discussed. Most importantly, I think it would be critical that you be supportive and not criticize, but instead focus on the present situation in planning for the future. Keep in mind that your child needs you now probably more than ever.

millennium_baby_hp asks: How do you know when your teen is suffering from depression?

Richard Kneip, PhD: Childhood and teenage depression can sometimes take the form of anger and irritability rather than sadness and withdrawal, as in the case of adults. Nonetheless, the same hallmark symptoms that are present in adults are often present in teenagers and includes disruption of sleep (oversleeping or lack of sleep), changes in appetite, social withdrawal, crying spells, and in extreme cases, thoughts of death, suicide, and extreme feelings of guilt and worthlessness. You can find more thorough descriptions of depression and a review of possible treatments at www.planetpsych.com.

poonahtunah asks: My 10-year-old?s school is talking about sexuality too explicitly too soon. How much longer can I pull her out of these "sessions"?

Richard Kneip, PhD: I would suggest that you discuss your discomfort with school administration and consider alternatives for your child. Bear in mind that the school has included this material in their curriculum based on local, state, or even national standards for sex education for children. It may be possible that you are far more uncomfortable with the material than your child is and it is important that children be allowed to gain an understanding of human sexual functioning in a straightforward and factual way. Nonetheless, if you cannot be comfortable, then you should meet with the teacher and administrator to discuss it.

merlin_dwm asks: How do I tell my teen that her father and I are getting a divorce?


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