Sexual Fitness for Men: The Hardness Factor (cont.)

That's an example of what you can quickly do over a four- or five-day period.

MODERATOR:
What can a woman do to help her husband or her partner? What can anyone do to help their partner get more into this program and get more out of this program?

LAMM:
I think that women really are the victors in this gender battle and women are clearly the caretakers and the leading force around health care and around a lot of other things. I really think that men are becoming irrelevant in our society and unless they can respond to a book of this nature, we can only prove that they are irrelevant. If you can't get them motivated to change with reference to this subject, men really have a bad problem.

I think that women can basically appreciate that sexuality and an erection is a very, very important aspect of a man's being. She has to really understand that very, very clearly. And, she must appreciate that there is a link between the man's health and the quality of his erection. That can be a motivating force when the woman says, "Look, I have noticed that there is kind of a change in either your interest in sex or in the actual hardness of your penis and I'm concerned about your health. I read Dr. Lamm's book and I think this can be fixed. Sex is as important for me as it is for you, so I'd like to make an appointment with the doctor for you and I'd like you to read the book. I'd like you to start to make some changes."

I think that a woman can really direct the man. We knew in the long run that the success of this book would be based on whether we can get enough young women to buy this book, to read this book, and to make changes in their men. We also knew that it would be very important for young men to read this book as well, but women are critical in this venture to get men to change. I think that they are. Women do kind of find the book interesting because you want to know your enemy, you want to know your enemy and you want to know things about erections, just as men want to know about female hot spots. I think this is very important for women.

MEMBER QUESTION:
My husband has had difficulty getting an erection only when having sex with me. He blames it on noises, his head won't get in the game or my lack of interest. Yet he masturbates every morning and has no problem doing himself. Is this a symptom of erectile dysfunction or is it personal? We're so frustrated we hardly try anymore so we won't hurt each other's feelings.

"It appears as though the men who have more regular sex seem to be healthier and seem to live longer."

LAMM:
This is a very sad email to me because this is what you see over and over again, in which any kind of interference in a normal sexual relationship between two partners results in an estrangement and a distancing and anger. This is a condition that affects more than one person, as you can see, and unless this young lady can effect a change in her relationship and a better understanding of sexuality, I would be skeptical whether this relationship will last. My suggestions are the following:

  • I would suggest that the man stop masturbating on a daily basis because, not that masturbation is in itself harmful, but it's harmful for this relationship because it diminishes the man's drive and interest in having sex with his partner. It's probably a statement of anger or resentment or some underlying psychological issue.
  • I think that the main problem is a relationship problem. They are clearly not communicating effectively. Silence, in this particular case, or avoidance, is not going to solve this problem; it's going to make this problem a lot worse, in my opinion. I would suggest that they go for couples' therapy, go to their family doctor.
  • She can go to her gynecologist to find out if there are any issues affecting her. We didn't talk about the whole gamut of female sexual problems that I would be privileged to speak about at a future opportunity.

This couple needs a lot of help and my wish is that they go and get it. I hope they go to the doctor. I know that the erectile issue, if there is any, can easily be dealt with but I think it's the relationship that's having the problem.

MODERATOR:
Sometimes that's the hardest thing to sort out, whether it's a physical problem or relationship problem.

LAMM:
It's interesting. We call this The Hardness Factor , we didn't call it The Intimacy Solution if you notice. Relationships are much more complicated, much more difficult to deal with than --believe it or not -- erections. The erections are easy; it's the relationships that are so difficult.

MEMBER QUESTION:
Has there ever been a study done comparing men who have had an active sex life, five or more times a week, and those who have sex about one to two times a month, to see if there's any correlation between activity and erectile dysfunction over an extended period of time?

LAMM:
Good question and good news. It appears as though the men who have more regular sex seem to be healthier and seem to live longer. That may be a product of a fact that they are capable of having sex more often and so they are healthier by definition. But there is a study in Wales that showed the men having regular sex actually lived significantly longer than the men who were having it much less frequently. There's the good news -- good sex may actually cause good health and the reverse may be true as well.


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