MEMBER QUESTION:
I am sexually satisfied, that is when my husband and I actually even have sex. What if your husband just isn't interested in having sex with you?

BERMAN:
That is a unique question, because typically we hear that it is usually men that desire sex more frequently than women, however, the issue of mismatched interest in having sex and/or desire to have sex, is important to talk about and address. This is also highlighted in the tips and secrets surrounding communication.

What I would say to you is that it is important for you to communicate your needs to your partner. The best time to do this would be out of the bedroom and in a nonconfrontational and loving way. Reinforce the positive aspects of the relationship, and particularly the sexual relationship. Communicate how and what you want and need. If you want it more often, then it is important to communicate that. Most likely your partner will be pleased with you wanting him and wanting to be close to him in a sexual way.

MEMBER QUESTION:
My husband has erectile dysfunction (ED) problems which Viagra doesn't altogether fix AND he is not into oral sex -- so I am miserable. He won't watch sex shows, like Sex with Sue and won't be creative. What can I do? He has read a book I left for him, but somehow oral sex grosses him out I think.

BERMAN:
In this situation it's really a two-part question.

First to address the partner issues, in particular the erectile dysfunction and what the causal factors are. In men 90% of the time there is a physical factor, be it high blood pressure, cardiac disease, high cholesterol, smoking, and medications. If Viagra is not working, it is important that he speak to a urologist about this problem to obtain the appropriate therapy. If a man is experiencing erectile problems, he definitely has anxiety about sex, about having sex and his performance ability.

This brings us to the next issue -- his lack of desire to give oral sex. It may be related in part to his feeling inadequate and that by getting you aroused and excited, he is "impotent" to complete the sexual encounter. On the other hand, if he is adverse to oral sex and it's something you want and need, again, it is important to communicate this to him. Discuss what his issues, concerns, and/or fears are and create ways to help him overcome that. Perhaps being creative with the situation, being daring and creative with something such as shaving your hair could be enticing and erotic. Using flavored lubricants can heighten excitement and interest and perhaps doing mutual oral sex may help encourage and/or enable him to want to do it.

First and foremost his erectile difficulties and fear of performance and/or lack of performance must be addressed.

MODERATOR:
What is the role of self-stimulation in being a sexually satisfied woman?

BERMAN:
What we found in our survey is that women that feel comfortable with self-stimulation and who self-stimulate on a regular basis are more sexually satisfied. The reason for this is, we believe, that these women are comfortable with their bodies, they know their bodies well, they are familiar with their anatomy and know exactly what they need and what it takes for them to achieve sexual pleasure. When a woman has that knowledge she has the power to be sexually satisfied and needs to communicate that to her partner and communicate those tips/tricks.

MEMBER QUESTION:
Is masturbation done while thinking of another sexual partner other than the boyfriend wrong?

BERMAN:
Fantasies during sex with a partner or fantasies with yourself are normal, healthy and encouraged. All women and men that are sexual have fantasies and fantasies about another person are not wrong. This is normal and happens frequently. The fact that it's happening in your mind and you're not acting out on it is a good thing, and will enable you to achieve sexual satisfaction and fulfillment. So don't blame yourself, it's healthy and normal.

MEMBER QUESTION:
What is the easiest way for a woman to relax and be more open to trying new things?

BERMAN:
The best way to relax and be open is taking one step at a time. Understand and know what your comfort level is.

• Don't do anything that scares you or that is adverse to you in any way.
• Be open to discussions and his ideas. Modify them as you feel comfortable with them.
• Read books about sexual positions and sexual fantasies and see what you feel comfortable with.

The main issue is that it is good that you want to be adventurous. Creating novelty is important and enhances your sexual relationship and your sexual satisfaction.

MEMBER:
My husband wants to live out his fantasy of a threesome -- with me and another woman. He says another man would be fine too. I would like your opinion on this issue and why is he being so pushy about it.

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