Violence at Home
How can you defend yourself against domestic violence?
By Michele Bloomquist
April 24, 2000 (Portland, Ore.) -- Carey Draeger was 19 when she met her future husband. After only two months of dating, the two decided to get married. Not long after their honeymoon, Draeger was introduced to a side of her new husband she never saw before. "It started with emotional and verbal abuse, with him saying things like I was lucky he stayed with me or that nobody else would want me," she says. Soon, it wasn't unusual for him to be breaking and throwing things during their arguments.
For two years this behavior continued until their daughter was born, and then the emotional abuse and fighting intensified. Over the next three years, the abuse turned physical when Draeger's husband punched her during an argument. That was the final straw: She convinced her husband to move out and leave her alone. "I still don't know how I was able to get him to leave peacefully. I was very lucky."
The Latest Statistics Tell the Grim Truth
If only every woman in an abusive relationship were as lucky as Draeger. Many attempt to ride out these disastrous relationships, enduring years of abuse. In fact, a 1997 report from the U.S. Department of Justice found that more than one in three women who sought treatment in the emergency room were there as a result of injuries caused by domestic violence. All those dislocated shoulders, bruised jaws, and broken fingers are not the result of a slippery stairwell or a particularly vigorous roughhousing session with the kids.
And many more women probably suffer in silence. Bruises aren't the only signs of abuse: The Family Violence Prevention Fund defines domestic abuse as any pattern of assaultive or coercive behaviors, including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks as well as economic coercion that adults or adolescents use against their intimate partners -- male or female. While most abusers are male, they can also be female. The bottom line is that anyone can be a victim of domestic violence, regardless of gender.
The report found that a woman is more likely to be injured from a domestic violence incident than from car accidents, rapes, or muggings combined. A woman is much more likely to be killed by a current or former romantic partner than by a stranger.
Mistaken Beliefs Allow It to Continue
Shocking as this report is, shock isn't enough to halt the prevalence of abuse in America, says Stacey Kabat, executive director and founder of the advocacy group Peace at Home. "There are still deeply entrenched myths surrounding domestic violence that allow it to persist. Breaking down these myths is critical to ending the acceptance of violence in our society." Particularly destructive are beliefs that abuse is a private family matter or that the abuser behaves abusively because he (or she) loses control, or that the victim provokes the violence. "Violence is not about a loss of control," says Kabat. "Instead, it's about power and control." People do not abuse in a fit of rage -- they know very well what they are doing, she says. And to say that someone provoked any sort of abuse is to lay blame on the victim, which only serves to increase a sense of isolation and powerlessness.
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