Seeing Green: All About Jealousy
We all feel jealous from time
to time but admitting it is the first step to overcoming it.
By
Carol Sorgen
WebMD Feature
Reviewed By
Brunilda Nazario
So your best friend wears a size 0 -- and complains that it's
too big on her! Your next-door neighbor is driving a Mercedes
and your car can barely make it to the end of the driveway. Your
sister's headed for a week-long vacation in the Caribbean and
you can't get farther than the state park. Jealous? Who wouldn't
be?
Sure, there are times when everyone else seems to have more,
do more, look better. But is that really the case?
"Jealousy may reflect a person's view of him or herself,"
says Jo Anne White, PhD, professor of education at Temple
University. "It's more about how people feel about themselves
and whether they're confident about who they are."
For many, jealousy has to do with personal relationships. You
might become jealous, for example, if you feel your partner is
not paying enough attention to you. Jealousy might also be
provoked if your partner or spouse consistently makes you feel
uncomfortable through both their words and their actions. "In
any relationship, trust and mutual respect are essential to keep
the relationship flourishing and communication strong," White
says.
"A person who has a poor self-image may feel threatened and
believe that she has nothing to offer to keep someone else
interested," White adds.
Flattery or Jealousy?
Jealousy might seem flattering at first, if your mate wants
all your time and attention, but it can also be a sign of
emotional instability, warns Tina B. Tessina, PhD,
psychotherapist and author of How to Be a Couple and Still
Be Free.
"That flattering interest in your attentions can turn into a
chronic lack of trust and suspicion," says Tessina. "A husband
who is jealous of your innocent friendships with other women,
and who tries to control you and separate you from your friends,
can become a big problem."
Most jealousy arises when someone feels insecure and
threatened, Tessina adds -- either of losing the relationship,
or that someone else will get the attention she is craving.
"When you handle jealousy properly though, it doesn't have to
be a disaster," says Tessina, who offers these suggestions for
coping with jealousy within relationships:
- Make sure you both feel comfortable with your
agreements about spending time with other people. Make some agreements about
how you'll behave, and make sure you're willing to keep them. Don't frighten
yourself or your partner by testing too hard, demanding the impossible, or
risking too much. Keep in mind that jealousy breaks down trust. If you begin
to be upset, talk about it and encourage your partner to do the same.
- Keep each other informed. Lying to your partner about
whether you have broken an agreement does more damage than breaking the
agreement. If you slip up, tell the truth. If your partner has slipped, be
open to listening to him or her without blaming or getting upset, so the two
of you can negotiate a solution to the problem. If you or your partner
continually create situations that aggravate jealousy, you may need to find a
marriage counselor to help you solve the problem.
- Give yourselves time. Learning to balance and control
outside friendships, and still feel good about your primary relationship,
takes practice, experience, and lots of discussion.
- Because most of us are very vulnerable and at our most
insecure with regard to sexual issues, sexual trust is among
the most difficult type of trust to build. Our feelings of
attractiveness, lovableness, and self-esteem are exposed and
challenged, so we must remember to be gentle with ourselves
and with each other.
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