Parents, Get Your Bed Back
Got a child who wanders to your bedroom at night? Here's how to reclaim your bed.
Reviewed by Laura J. Martin, MD
If you've got a young child who wanders into your bedroom at
Just ask Karen Higdon of Prarie Grove, Ark. When she converted her 4-year-old twins' nursery into a "big girl room" this summer, complete with toddler beds and colorful new bedding, Kaylee and Gracie Higdon were excited...up to a point. They were eager to explore their room during the daytime, but after the sun set, the pair would nervously chatter about monsters, as they'd done for the past year.
When the twins were 3, Karen and Richard Higdon had snuggled up under the covers with them to make bedtime less frightening: one girl in the nursery, one in the parents' room. A year later, the Higdons felt trapped by their routine, so they redesigned the nursery with hopes that an inviting new sleep venue would give Kaylee and Gracie confidence to sleep by themselves.
"At first, we felt like [bedtime] was our 'alone' time with the girls, but they were starting to get too dependent," says Karen Higdon. "We needed to wean them off of us."
There are two reasons for co-sleeping," says NSF spokeswoman Jodi Mindell, PhD, author of Sleeping Through the Night. "One is a family lifestyle decision; it's important to the parents. Reason two is reactive cosleeping; you don't really want them there, but it's easier than having to solve a problem at 2 a.m. No matter which you do, at some point, you'll want to make a change."
Switching a nighttime routine can be difficult because biology isn't on your side. "There's nothing wrong with parents or children if they can't get their kids to sleep all night," says child sleep expert James McKenna, PhD, professor of anthropology at the University of Notre Dame. "Sleep is a flexible behavior. People needed to be able to wake up back when we had predators and nighttime was dangerous. And children who wake seek out their parents."
At the Higdon household, after three nights of a new bedtime
Here's how to transition your child to sleep in his own bed all night:
It's easier to train a toddler to sleep in his room when he's in a crib, since he won't be able to get out of bed and look for you. "If a child in a bed thinks he can visit you at bedtime, it can turn into a game, and that's usually when problems occur," says child sleep consultant Dana Obleman, author of The Sleep Sense Program.
Use Positive Language
Be encouraging and you can make your child eager to make the switch. "Say, 'Guess what? You're three! Three-year-olds get to sleep in their beds all night! Isn't this great?" Mindell says. "It's a positive spin, like 'You get to wear underwear!' instead of 'You shouldn't be wearing diapers.'"
If your child can't fall asleep without your presence, slowly withdraw yourself from the equation, Obleman says. Instead of lying in your bed together, sit on your child's bed until she falls asleep. After a few days, switch to a chair, then gradually move the chair closer to her doorway and into the hallway.
Take Small Steps
It may not be reasonable to demand that a child who's accustomed to sleeping in your bed suddenly stay in his own room all night, so try making the separation more gradual. "Some parents have told me that they've had their children sleep alongside their bed in a sleeping bag," McKenna says. "Or decide that they can have 15 minutes in your bed and then they go back."