Patient Comments: Borderline Personality Disorder - Experience

Do you or a relative have borderline personality disorder? Please share your experience.

Comment from: LLL, 55-64 Male (Patient) Published: February 16

I have borderline personality disorder. I do not know who I am. When I try to reconstruct my history, I have blanks in memory, sometimes entire large chunks of time. For example, I cannot remember childhood. Between birth and age 17, I have seventeen memories, some only because I was told what happened, by others. The memories from 17 to 24 are more, but they are scattered. I cannot remember my life in accurate sequence. I do not have a consistent self. It is as if the experiences of my life did not happen to me. They are events but are not attached to a constant me as if someone else experienced them. My beliefs, understanding of life, my wants and needs, what I enjoy, desires for the future, plans, etc., have changed multiple times. I have not orchestrated the changes. I know things have happened, but is like they have not happened to the same me over time. I have an ever changing internal self to the point no one self has been on this journey. I have always not wanted to be alive. Suicide attempts no longer occur. Cutting is a thing of the past with no urges for maybe three years (that is a guess.) I seem to be able to give love, but I do not fully receive love.

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Comment from: Matthew, 19-24 Male (Patient) Published: May 22

I am 19 and have been recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD). At the moment I am only just coping. I still find it really hard to control and hide my emotions from society, especially as I am in college at the moment. This makes it harder to cope as it builds up and I can't let it out as I am scared of what will happen. I have had reacquiring suicidal behavior and rage because of the strong emotions that sometimes leak out. I am a very introverted person and also suffer from social anxiety on top of the BPD making it harder for me to seek help. Although I have made that step and am now on medication for the anxiety as well as the delusions (voices) I hear. I find it really hard to talk to people and to admit to myself that I am mentally ill. I have also had unstable and damaging relationships in the past which have included impulsivity towards sex and over spending money. I need help!

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Comment from: Emily, 35-44 Female (Patient) Published: October 28

Depression and anxiety have been the norm for me for about 20 years. I was just diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder) last week. The information I have read makes me wonder how I had never been diagnosed before. I cannot stand the thought of being left alone or abandoned. I pull out my eyebrows and eyelashes, and more recently, my hair. My self-image is low. I've always hated myself. No one can hurt me any worse than I can myself. My mood swings terrify my children, although, I've never been violent or raging. In the past 5 years, I've had six different jobs and tried to go back to school, but gave up twice. It took me ten years to finish a bachelor's degree and I'm a special education teacher who misses work frequently. I'm exhausted from my frequent medication changes and have the attention span of a 2-year-old. I'm in constant search of attention and make very poor choices in my relationships. I've been divorced once and remarried a few years later. Now, this marriage is suffering. My brother, two years younger than I, is paranoid schizophrenic and lives in an apartment with other mental health patients. My mother neglected us terribly and has recently disowned me. My father has never been in the picture and doesn't acknowledge me. I don't know how to keep it together enough to heal and make my family stay together. In the past week, my impulsive behavior got me another car payment (we have 3). I think of ways to die about 20 times a day.

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Comment from: Zoe, 35-44 Female (Patient) Published: July 26

I was diagnosed with BPD well over a year ago. Although not as severe as some cases, the emotional and mental anguish of this illness was unbearable. The worst of it was experienced in my adolescent and teenage years. I was a cutter and thought of suicide endlessly. I never developed an addiction to drugs or alcohol, but I had (and still have) problems with eating. The final straw for me was when I suffered continual and relentless emotional bullying at work 5 years ago by an ex friend and others, and nobody would do anything. I cried everyday and had extreme anxiety. Then one day I fell apart and ran out of there and never went back. The ol' suicidal thoughts came rushing back in, but I reached out for help, and in a nutshell, here I am. I am in therapy and have been for nearly 2 years. I understand more about BPD and how it pertains to me as an individual and how to be mindful of the ways BPD affects my thinking today. It's very difficult to "unlearn" thoughts and behaviours, it's a slow and lengthy process. But it is possible.

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Comment from: LewD, 35-44 Male (Patient) Published: March 19

I have been diagnosed with major depression and post-traumatic stress disorder after a suicide attempt. I think that I can relate to the people who also have issues of self-mutilation, I do it constantly. In the past 6 months I have been on Prozac, Zoloft, and now Effexor. I also take Depakote, hydroxyzine, and trazodone to sleep. I never seem to follow through on most projects and am always looking for yet another job. I get very angry on small issues and seem to give less attention to the issues that should have priority.

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Borderline Personality Disorder - Symptoms Question: What symptoms did you experience with borderline personality disorder?
Borderline Personality Disorder - Treatment Question: What types of treatment, including medication, have you received for borderline personality disorder?

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